Conversations With God

I'm sitting on my desk with my books infront of me because I have a big test tomorrow. The only problem is I'm not studying. I'm doing everything except studying. I just can't help it. I know I should study and if I don't, I'll regret my actions later, but nothing in my microscopic brain budges and urges me to study. It just keeps wandering to far away places and events, dreaming, fantasising......I try and bring myself back to the books but I just can't do it. Finally I give up pretending to try, I look up at the ceiling and shout "WHY ME?! What do you want with me? What did I do??"

"Nothing in particular", came the reply. Reply???!!! Great! Now I can hear voices in my head. Just what the doctor ordered, Schizophrenia! That'll make things more bearable.

"It's me you fool! I'm not a voice in your head, technically I am right now but I'm not just in your head, that's just how I like to communicate with mortals."

!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT!! This is really getting out of hand, maybe I should slap myself or pinch or.....
"If you insist, but I think it's not going to help that much."

"Uh...ummm...can you hear me? Is it really YOU?", I can't believe I just said that out loud in an empty room, I feel so stupid.
"Hahaha, it's OK, happens every time. Yes it's really me! I'm God."

Gulp. OK. Calm down. This can't be happening.
"But it is, how can you deny it."

Oh damn! He can hear my thoughts. Oh shit did I just say damn! Did I just say shit!!
"Relax man, it's OK. I know this shit can be really hard to digest at first, but you'll get there. Just chill."

"Ummm...Mr. God Sir...is it really you? I mean you said you were and I totally believe you are...but...I just can't believe it."
"Well it is me", he said, "you're just going to have to take my word for it."

"Yes sir. Am I not supposed to see some sort of light somewhere? You know...."
"Ohh the light. I knew I forgot something. Right. Close your eyes and you'll see it."

So I closed my eyes and there it was. I don't know how to describe it, it was just a light in the distance with darkness all around it. "Woooww."
"Yeah I know I know, let's get on with it. What is your malfunction?"

I was taken aback for a moment. My malfunction? What does he mean by my malfunction?
"You know the incessant cribbing and sulking and complaining. It's a tough world buddy. Be a man."

Damn he did it again. This is irritating. "Ummm Sir, should I talk out loud or do you prefer reading all my thoughts instead?"
"Wise guy eh? Whichever way you find more convenient, I don't mind either."

"Sir I'd prefer to talk and I'll just put my phone on my ear so that I don't look stupid if anyone comes around, not that they will in the middle of the night but just in case. And I would also prefer you to not listen to my...."
"HOW DARE YOU!! I can do whatever I want! You can't tell me what to do!!"

GULP. "I'm sorry Sir. Of course you can listen to my thoughts. What a stupid idea! I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to........."
"Hahahahahaha. Gotcha!" Still laughing, "Relax I was just messing with you. OK I won't hear your thoughts. Happy?"

I'm blushing with embarrassment. Is he still listening? How can I be sure?
"Well....what are you waiting for?"

He's not listening to my thoughts anymore. Whew! Thank God! Thank God!! That's ironic. "Nothing nothing. So Mr. God Sir, what brings you here? I mean how come you're talking to me?"

"Call me Jim. Who came up with the name God? Anyway, like I said what is your malfunction? What's with all the complaining?"
"Ummm...I don't know....J-J-Jim...I'm not too happy with the way things are going right now."

"So what's that got to do with me? Why do you keep shouting at me?"
"I never shouted at you! I mean..I didn't mean to SHOUT at you, it just came out that way. And what do you mean what has it got to do with you? Hasn't everything got something...err everything to do with you?"

"No it hasn't. Who in the world gave you that idea?!"
"It's what everyone says. You are the Almighty, the All-knowing, All-seeing etc etc. Our lives are in your hands. You control everything. You are GOD!"

"Thank you thank you. I know. Well it's true, somewhat. You're on the right track with that, but not quite. You see, I may be all that you said right now, but surely you don't believe I can control everything! That is preposterous! Do you have any idea how many people there are in this world? This little blue-green planet of yours is so full of people, I sometimes can't even take out time to look at the others! You know how difficult it is!!"
"What others?! You mean there are more???"

"Uhh ahem! No there aren't any more! What kind of a foolish question is that?! I meant the....ummm....animals...yeah animals...and plants too. They're living too you know."
"Yeah I guess. So you're saying that you don't control everything and everyone?"

"Yes I don't. I can't do all that alone. It's one hell of a job for one man to handle by himself."
One MAN, that's rich. "So? Aren't there others to help you out? I mean....you know...your relatives or children maybe?"

"Sadly I'm the only one up here. It would've been nice to have some company but that's the way things are", He sighed.
"Huh? So you mean all the stories about there being many Gods and Goddesses are just made up??"

"Yup. Every single one of them. I like some of them though. That one about Jesus having a wife and kids was hilarious! Dan was it? Funny guy. Made a lot of money out of it too. Good for him."
"Ohkay. So you're the only one? Then what's with all these religions and stuff? Why did you even bother?"

"That, my friend, was a mistake I made long ago. I thought it would be fun to see the men's imagination run wild and create different avatars of me and worship them. Don't get me wrong here. I didn't WANT them to worship me, they just did. They feared that I might get angry and do things with the weather and cause destruction in other unique ways. It would've been so much fun! Just imagine fireballs raining from clear skies...."
"What!"

"Oh...sorry. I get carried away sometimes. I didn't do any such thing of course. That thing with the dinosaurs was an accident. What I was saying is that I let those men think for themselves and create my so-called alter egos. It was nice at first, but it got really messy later. Ohh well..."
"You're damn right it got messy Jim! Can't you just undo it all?"

"I wish I could. How I wish I could. You see time is a very sensitive matter. I can't just go back and undo it. If I'd foreseen it earlier, I might have been able to do something but it's too late now. I'm sorry. Enough with the world. Let's talk about you now, after all that's what I came here for."
"Yeah I suppose. I don't know how to put it to you, but sometimes I feel you've made a special project out of me. You know, like you're holding the magnifying glass and I'm the ant."

"Hell no! I haven't done any such thing. But now that you've mentioned it, I could take up some people for that sort of a thing. Let's see now, there's this Bush character and that Osama fellow and......"
"So if you're not doing stuff to me then why is nothing going right for me?"

"I believe it's a little something you like to call Luck. Also, there's always the Karma angle. You don't work hard enough to reap the benefits."
"What! I've been doing engineering in this God-forsaken college...I'm sorry..I mean in this pot for the past four years! You think it's easy?!"

"You've been passing your exams haven't you?"
"Well yeah."

"I rest my case. Next problem?"
"OK. Why the rotten luck then may I ask? Don't give me the Karma thing again."

"OK. Luck is supposed to be balanced through a person's life. If you're having rotten luck right now, then you're in for some serius Jackpots later!"
"Really? You mean that?", I said, my spirits rising a little.

"Of course I do...NOT! Hahaha. Gotcha again! Sucker!!"
Grrrr. "This is not funny."

"It sure is. Look at yourself! Don't blame me for all your problems. You created them, you sort them out. I can't help you with those. Noone can. I can't do anything for anyone for that matter. Everyone's on their own. I can just advise people and show them the right path. They have to do the work."
"And just how do you that?"

"Ever heard of a thing called the Conscience? Well, that's me, sort of. I programmed it into your brains a long time ago. Too bad it doesn't work with everyone."
"Oh." What should I ask now? He put everything on me. Damn it.

"Anything else? I haven't got all day you know."
"Uh yeah. Of course. So any advice you'd like to give me right now?"

"Well you can start by picking up that Advanced Instrumentation book on your desk and studying it. That should help."
"Besides that. I mean, as in generally, life-wise."

"That is like asking me to solve the Rubik's cube in one move."
"Well, can't you?"

"I suppose I could, haven't really tried. But that doesn't mean I can give you advice for life just like that. How will you learn then? Don't make that 'but I don't want to learn' face. It's the only way. Anyway you haven't done enough to earn the right for taking the shortcut."
"The shortcut? Wait, this is one of your jokes again."

"Well done lad! Although I was rather looking forward to laughing again. Ah well, you got the point. That's what matters. No shortcuts and that's it. I'm running out of time here. Five more minutes maybe. Let's get this over with."
"OK. Thanks for the advice. I'll look into it. Now I'd like to ask you some serious questions. First, what's with all this communalism and terrorism?"

"Oopsi. Time's up. Gotta go. Ciao!"
"Hey wait! Wait! Jim come back here! Jim...", I felt something shaking me. Then I could hear a voice calling out my name, it sounded like my mom. It grew louder and louder.

"Wake UP!", she was shaking me by the shoulders.
"Huh? Whaa...What happened?"

"You're late. I thought you had an exam today. Don't you have to go to college?"
"Oh shit! What time is it?"

"Get up and look for yourself", she said. "Must've watched a movie till late night, you were talking in your sleep."
"What!"

"Yeah, some guy called Jim. Now get up and get dressed. Breakfast on the table in five minutes."