Funny stuff

Somethings simply crack you up and you end up doubling up with laughter. A lot of "up"s for one sentence, but never mind. The last occasion I can recall took place just last weekend when everyone had come over to our place for the usual Friday night celebration. We ended up playing 'Teen Patti' until the wee hours of the morning (who came up with that term anyway? wee hours...) and man was it fun. A few of the guys aren't that familiar with the game and since we weren't playing for real money, one of them decided to go all-in, many times over, and losing almost every time. So now he owes three guys a lot of money. Surprisingly he manages to win a handsome amount in one hand and decides to pay people off. The guy he owes almost 750 bucks takes everything and starts paying off the other guys with the loot. You might not find it as funny but after distributing it among the other guys, he was only left with 5 bucks for himself. 5 out of 750 paid off! That just put everyone in a fit of laughter and how my stomach ached! Took me almost 5 minutes to stop laughing and even now I do the proverbial LOL when I think about it.

Another incident that sticks out in my memory is that from college. We were sitting near the flag post and somehow a discussion on VS Naipaul's true nationality sprung up and I don't think I've ever laughed harder in my life (the details for this section have been edited for public interest).

Then there are these really bad PJs that are so bad that they're awesome! Allow me to demonstrate (only people familiar with Hindi would get some of these jokes, am too lazy to translate so please ignore what you don't understand):

1. A couple is sitting on the stairs, staring into each other's eyes and suddenly they find themselves in the middle of a desert. How come? - "Aankhon hi aankhon mein ishara hogaya, baithe baithe jeene ka sahara hogaya". Get it? :P
2. Two sardars (forgive me if you're the racially sensitive kinds, but a sardar joke is a sardar joke) capture a Terrorist and give him a dice and say "If you roll a 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5, you are a dead man." The Terrorist asks "what if I get a 6?" to which the sardars smile and say "Aha! But of course you get to roll again!"
3. How do you differentiate between a Murga and a Murgi? - Hurl a stone at it, bhaga to murga, bhagi to murgi. :D
4. This is one of my ultimate favorites: There is an elephant couple, Dumpa and Dumpy. One fine day, Dumpa dumps Dumpy so he becomes very sad. Dumpy's friend Pumpy comes along and asks him "Why are you down in the dumps? Let's go and play in the park". So they go to the park and sit on opposite ends of the see-saw. But alas, it breaks and both of them fall down. What is the moral of the story? - "See-saw ho ya dil ho, aakhir toot jaata hai..." :D :P

UPDATE: Due to public interest and contributions, here are a few additions:

1. Manas says: Why are all the girls standing on the bridge madly in love?
   Because "Jo hai albela, mrignaino wala, uski diwani BRIDGE ki har bala, woh kisna hai"
2. Vivek says: There was a pregnant lady carrying a miraculous baby girl inside her. The girl could see what was going on outside and even see the future. One day the girl saw a lady called Sapna driving a Tata Nano. Sapna was also pregnant with a baby boy. The girl could tell that this boy would become her boyfriend in the future. Now, what did the girl start singing? - (**brace yourself**) - "NANO mein Sapna, Sapna mein Sajna, Sajna pe dil aayega, O Sajna pe dil aayega" :P :P :P

Disclaimer: I can not be held responsible for any kind of brain damage. You came, you saw the words "really bad PJs" and still decided to read on.

High: Danced my arse off after ages. Was so tired, couldn't even eat!

Low: Some people just don't get it.

Points: To me, if you laughed while reading this post.

Gems from class

T: "(explains something). Did you understand?"
(Silence)
T: (looks about helplessly) "Are you...."
YES!
(snigger snigger)


T: "What do you mean by (something)?"
(Silence)
T: Think and answer.
(Silence)
T: Who will think?
(Controlled laughter)


T: "What is J2EE?"
(Someone shouts "Java2 Enterprise Edition" amidst the mumbling. DUH!!)
T: "Good. What is Enterprise?"
(Loud mumbling. Same person answers again. Something about a company..)
T: (smiles) "It's a Big Company?"
(Eruption of laughter)

*T=Teacher

The ORACLE

Oracle: "Hey kid. You look different."
Me: "It's the tie, and maybe the haircut and the facial hair."
Oracle: "Come sit down, have a candy."
Me: "I'm OK."

*pauses, sits down and takes the candy*

Me: "You knew that didn't you?"
Oracle: "Sure did."
Me: "You also knew I was going to flunk?"
Oracle: "Yup."
Me: "Then why the hell didn't you tell me?! I would've studied harder. Is dropping a mail or just an SMS asking too much!"
Oracle: "You had already made the choice of not studying."
Me: "RIGHT! What about the next module?"
Oracle: "You haven't made that choice yet."
Me: "OK. I'm going to study really hard from now on. Is that good enough a choice for you?"
Oracle: "Yes it is."
Me: "So now I'm going to pass?"
Oracle: "No. Sorry kiddo."
Me: "WTF!! Then what is it going to take?"
Oracle: "Bingo! That is the right question."

*pulling his hair out in frsutration*

Me: "Why you little @#$@#$%#%^&#$$%........."

*pulls out the monitor a la Sunny Deol and hurls it at her, turns around and flies away*


P.S. - For those who are confused about why I posted something like this, well let's just say the current module going on is called ORACLE and I hate it to death. It's so boring I can't even zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Incomprehensible

I, for the life of me, can not comprehend the reasons for compromising on the effort that should complement the time I spend in the classroom in front of the computer doing nothing when I should be completely engrossed in compiling a compendium of all that has been done till date. Maybe it's complacency, but since I can compare the efforts of my compatriots to mine and come to the conclusion that instead of complaining so much I should rekindle my competitive spirit and in compliance to the general concensus and the constant compunction, get down to actually studying. I have to compress the compulsion of whiling away precious time and showcase my competence. The only complication I'm facing is that old habits decompose very slowly. After years of performing under pressure (completing the entire syllabus in one night), preparing for an exam which is more than a day away seems like a waste of time. But what seems like a waste of time right now is me composing this post and trying to turn all of your brains into compost! Before anyone loses their composure, I think it's time to complete this entry with a *wicked grin*.

Test-ify

Pun intended. I have this test on PF tomorrow and no matter how much I prepare (read scrolling through the slides while pulling out what's left of my hair and peeking at the answers of the code snippet questions and going "ooooooo now I get it"), I still can't convince myself that I'm going to get an 'A' (this would be the valid syntax for assigning a character...sheesh..see what I mean!).

I so wish that our physics teacher from school was incharge of making the papers. His MCQs would be something like this (or this is how they would seem to me from the distances of the back benches):

Q: A question which you can't make head or tail of.

A:
1) Something that you have never seen
2) Something else
3) Blah blah blah
4) After reading this option you're sure you can't even guess the answer

After writing this down on the board, he would give us the following options:

5) I.D.K. (I don't know)
6) I.D.C. (I don't care)

No points for guessing which was my favourite option.

Sigh....wishful thinking. Wish myself all the best.

exit();
}

Hours after midnight

Recap: Refer to previous post.

In today's episode we are going to talk about nothing. Yes folks! You heard that right, Nothing! It is a wonderful thing, to talk about nothing that is, and you should try it once in a while. It is easy too, all you need is nothing and some free time while you're at it (which actually does not require a mention because nothing gives you more free time than doing nothing).

So now that we are all set to talk about nothing, let's get to it (why waste time doing nothing). Here goes nothing:

I'm back at the Gecko at 0200 hours and I don't feel like doing anything I'm supposed to (you know, the S word...do I have to spell everything out? Sigh. S-t-u-d-y...) . Wait a minute, am I not supposed to blog? Hmmm maybe, but since it is something I'm supposedly not supposed to do I'm going to go right ahead and do it!

What else can we talk about when we're engaged in an engaging conversation about nothing? The answer my friend is blowing in the wind, and it is quite obviously nothing, and it is somewhat rhyming, which is kind of surprising. Anyways, coming back to our original discussion let's try and put nothing into perspective.

..

That was easy!

Telemarketers

Way to go Tom! Mike (if that's his real name) must have peed his pants! Just brilliant.
Beats selling something to the guy instead by a mile and a half.

P.S. - I have nothing to write about today. So enjoy this as I did.

Shit really happens

This happens every year. Come on guys it's just a b-b-b-back! OK OK I know it's a big thing. It's a completely terrible, horrible, unfair, needless and barbaric practice to be honest but this is how it is.

In first year, to be more precise, in the second semester you're supposed to get a back in either electrical or mechanical. This is how it works. You are part of a majority here. Ask any of your seniors and 9 out of 10 will have a star decorating their 1st year marksheet. The tenth person is either too brainy (rare case), too studious (dwindling numbers) or just too lucky to escape(dammit!). Usually these people are Social Outcasts (unless they're really nice people) but you are part of the majority. You have people around you who understand what you are going through and help you to share the grief. I'm one of them. I've been there, done that and so have a lot of others and we completely understand.

So take it from us, IT DOESN'T MATTER! In fact, you have now received the honorary stamp of being a true engineer! Because now you know what it feels like and from now on you will try and never experience this feeling ever again. You have learnt an important lesson today - whatever you do, never get a back again, ever. Oh and there's one more thing you have learnt - UPTU sucks!! According to me, the computers that contain the database of all the results have been programmed to never allow a 100% pass percentage in a subject, you know to "keep things real" and stuff. Who would believe me if I said that everyone passed in Environmental Studies?! "That's preposterous!! The people at UPTU must be giving away marks for free", is what people might start to think.

Getting back to reality, now I'm going to bust a few myths that are generally hovering in young kids' minds.

Myth#1 - I will not get placed if I get a back.
Busted - BULLSHIT! It doesn't matter if you even have 3 or 4 backs in your account. Just keep your aggregate score above 60% and no pending backs at the time of placements and you should be on your way to give treats for getting placed.

Myth#2 - I will not be able to go to a good MBA college if a get a back.
Busted - HORSESHIT! All you need to do an MBA from a reputed institute like IIM-A is be a graduate having scored 50% or more. And of course, you need to get a 99 percentile in CAT, which is child's play :P

Myth#3 - What if I get a Year-Back(YB)??!!
Busted - DINOPOOP!! Getting a YB needs a lot of work. It's not easy, you really have to work hard to get one. You need to score less than 50% aggregate in one year or get 5 backs in a year. or fail in the same subject more than 4 times. You can give it a shot but I'm sure you'll pass...err...fail....I mean fail at failing.

Myth#4 - Will I be able to complete my engineering at all? Am I in the wrong place?
Busted - SLARTIBARTFAST! It's a breeze. It looks and feels like a hike up Mt. Everest but it's not. It's more like Mt. Kilimanjaro if you ask me, you would prefer jumping into red hot magma than climb to the top. But once you get the hang of it, you'll start enjoying it. Refer to the previous post for what I mean by getting the hang of it.

So, it's not as bad as it looks. You still need to clear the exam which is coming up though. That is one area where I can't help you. I barely scraped through myself.

Keep your chin up guys. It's not the end of the world.

Points: 30 points each to all the people who got a back. Not to congratulate you but to cheer you up! Stop sulking people, life goes on.

Story of an engineer's life in 20 simple steps

Stolen from 31wpm who stole it from Amie's multiply. I hope you can forgive me Amie, but I just couldn't control myself. This is beyond brilliant!

Reminds me of a post I had written a long time back. It was pretty funny, so I was told. If you feel like reading it, click here. I tried to do it with words but it's not possible to put it in a better way than this.

EVERY NEW SEMESTER

AFTER THE FIRST WEEK

AFTER THE SECOND WEEK

BEFORE MIDTERMS

DURING MIDTERMS

AFTER MIDTERMS

BEFORE FINALS

AFTER KNOWING THE SCHEDULE OF THE FINAL EXAMS

7 DAYS BEFORE FINALS

6 DAYS BEFORE FINALS

5 DAYS…

4 DAYS…

3…

2…

1…

NIGHT BEFORE THE FINALS

1 HOUR BEFORE THE EXAM

DURING THE FINAL EXAM

AFTER WALKING OUT OF THE CLASSROOM

AFTER THE FINAL EXAMS (HOLIDAY)

Points: 1 million points to Amie for cheering me up. Thank you.

I don't give out points on request but because this really cheered me up, ummm 1 bonus point to Kritika and another to Nandita (who actually found the link).

Please visit 31wpm & Amie's multiply for the original post(s).

P.S. - Bonus points are just for show. They don't matter.

Confessions of an Organiser

I'm copying the posts I wrote for the Fest blog, this is 2 of 2:

Finally I get some time to relax. Stretch my legs, listen to some music and type down a few words. Life's so hectic these days. People coming at me left, right and centre asking about something or the other and me having to run around after other people asking them about something or the other. I've had to create a seperate e-mail account for all the mails I get everyday, it's like personalised spam you have to attend to. And I won't even mention the amount of calls I have to attend/make, let's just say it's a good thing these Nokia chargers are so portable.

"What did I get myself into?" is what I think sometimes. "Why couldn't I just be like all the other people who are waiting for something to happen or not even that? Why couldn't I spend all this time hanging out with my friends and having fun? Why couldn't I just study in all this time and score better marks??" are some other questions, except the last one, that I think about sometimes. These are the times when you are really frustrated/angry/ready to punch the next person-who irritates you the slightest bit-in the face, these are times when someone doesn't do something he/she was supposed to and everyone else comes to you asking for an explanation.

These moments, are the ones that define you as an Organiser, is what you probably expect me to say, which is correct in a way too, but I like to refer to these moments as something which is not appropriate for this place. These are the moments when you have to hear the word "No" in its many different forms, usually accompanied by meaningless "Sorry"s and the worst excuses you can think of, and you either cry out in despair or just can't help but smile or even laugh at your unbelievable run of bad luck. These are the moments that call for the implementation of the non-existent Plan B or 'using your contacts' or just hustling your way out of the situation. This is where the defining the organiser bit comes from, because what matters is the final result.

In the end, someone will be held responsible for something that didn't happen as it was supposed to; a good organiser makes sure that he/she isn't that someone. Cheers!

Dedicated to the entire team working to make Zealicon 2008 an event worth remembering :

According to a Dictionary
Organiser: n. A person who brings order and organization to an enterprise

According to an Organiser
Organiser: n. A person who does everything in his power to achieve the impossible; a labourer; hard-working; jack-of-all-trades, master of puppets; Obey him or else.......

P.S. - For people who think I exaggerated, which maybe I did by a small amount, being an Organiser when I say I didn't, it means I didn't and that should be the end of it. So for the record - I didn't! :D

Four Years Later

The end is approaching fast. I have all but completed my engineering. You can say I'm about 99.98% through with it, 0.1% because I still have to give my practical exams and the other 0.1% is for "you never know with UPTU". The former 0.1% will be acquired within the next two weeks but the latter comes to you only when the result comes out. So fingers tightly crossed that I donot lack that 0.1% come June end.

When I say 99%, I'm simply referring to it in terms of course completion. Being a 100% engineer is a different argument altogether because the term engineering can be defined in many ways. Normally, engineers are supposed to be very smart and intelligent people who know about the things they should know about in great detail and it is almost impossible for them to use simple english when explaining something. For every question you ask, they ask you two questions so as to reach an accurate answer. I have yet to meet anyone from this category in person, though I have heard about a few of them (rare breed).

Then we have the type that are smart and intelligent all right but they don't have the ugly traits of the ones mentioned above. These people are cool, really cool. They know almost everything too but don't need to ask you two questions all the time. There are a few of these specimens around and I have also met one or two of them.

Next we have the not-so-smart people who can do hard labour to overcome their shortcoming and then the ones who just don't care. These characters can be found in abundance in most places.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had saved this post as a draft after my exams finished. I just haven't been able to get the time or muster the effort to complete it. It's been almost a week since I finally completed my engineering. The practicals went smoothly. What a relief it was after getting it over with is hard to describe.

Can't recall what I came to blog about now. Will post later.
Love
Sid G
Electrical Engineer :D

Converstaions With God - 2

Well, the exam sucked. Hadn't studied a thing and while the rest of the people in my class were asking for extra sheets I was busy trying to peek into my neighbours' sheets struggling to fill up the one I had. I couldn't fill it, obviously, so I gave up and left fifteen minutes before time. Why waste time when you know it's hopeless! Why not use this time to avoid the long queues at the library counter for returning and re-issuing books, which I will use to study and score well in the exam next time(laughter prompt), instead!! Sounds good doesn't it? Well that's what I did. The rest of the day was as usual as any other day. Nothing of much significance happened. All this fest work is really tiring and takes time. By the time I get home, I'm too tired to even ask for dinner. I just lie down, watch a bit of TV or do something on my computer and sleep. And boy do I sleep!! It's a good thing I'm getting attendance(hopefully) for this week's classes because of the fest.

Anyways, so I came home late that night and was tired obviously. I changed, took a breather, had something to eat and drink and decided to sit infront of the computer for a while. The internet can become boring too after a while. You chat with the people you hang out with the rest of the day for and discuss what you did that day or what you're going to do the next day, there isn't really any difference between the two. You check your mail, again mostly sent by the same people, which is either more work or just a useless forward telling you to believe in what is written in it and pass it onto others who are supposed to do the same over and over again. Brrrr. Who comes up with such things! As I was saying, even the internet isn't that great a source of entertainment. So I turn to the Americans for help. I plug in my pen drive, queue the next five episodes of Heroes(season 1) into the playlist and just sit back and watch and watch. Five episodes back-to-back is like three and a half hours, very well spent. I get through the first episode(of the 5 I'm viewing currently) in no time at all. Less than halfway through the second, there is a power cut. My UPS gives a backup of around 30 minutes but I don't take that risk if I don't absolutely need to. So I shut down my computer and start thinking about alternate plans to keep myself occupied. Just as I'm about to evaluate my options, it comes back, the electricity. Barely five minutes had passed. Ah well, back to Heroes. 2 down, three to go. Three-fourth of the way through the third, it goes again. Just around twelve minutes left, so I decide to watch this one and then shut down. I get through eight more minutes and my UPS dies! What luck. And barely two minutes after that, guess who's back!! Aaaarrgh. This is the limit. No this is beyond the limit. Why ME??!!!! Always ME!! I turn on my computer again and just as I'm about to get back to Heroes I get an IM from a guy called Jim.

Jim: Hi again!
me: Hi...again? Do I know you?
Jim: Yeah. We were talking last night too. Thought I'd just IM you today.

GULP. This can't be happening. I'm dreaming again. Wake up dammit!

Jim: Oh noo. Do we have to go through this again? I thought I made it pretty clear last night who I was.

I'm still thinking what just happened. I didn't even type anything!

Jim: I can hear your thoughts, gawwd. I know I'm not supposed to like we discussed last night, so I won't anymore. Happy?

Very. But what the hell is going on? I have got to be dreaming. this can't be happening. Some guy's trying to pull my leg. I'll just check his email address from the messenger service and.....
!!!!!! GULP! My internet isn't even connected! ....... WAKE UP NOW!!

Jim: Anybody home?

me: Yeah I'm here only. Who is this again?

Jim: It's me you forgetful fool. Do you prefer the name God? I find Jim so much better and unintimidating and friendly, not to mention it is my name.

me: No, I like Jim too. So what brings you here, again, if the last time wasn't just a dream?

Jim: Hahaha. Oh it was real all right! I've just been catching up on a few old movies and picked that out of The Matrix. Pretty neat isn't it?

me: Maybe. Not so sure about the person who's waking up though. So, why did you come again?

Jim: I heard your "Why Me?!" chants again and decided to drop by. I take it you still didn't get it.

me: So you're saying that I just have to crib and cry to talk to you?

Jim: Not exactly. It also depends on my mood and the amount of spare time I have. Since everybody around you is sleeping, I thought I'd take a break and have some fun with you! Just kidding.

me: I hope so. But what about the other people? I mean the Americans and all, they must've just started their day.

Jim: These engineers think so much! The Americans are as bad without me as they're with me. Don't worry about them. I don't, not too much.

me: OK! If you insist. May I ask you something?

Jim: Shoot. That's what I came here for.

me: Why is that whenever I have exams, every good program imaginable is on TV and when I have all the time in the world to do nothing but watch TV, there isn't even a re-run worth watching? Why does the weather have to be really ugly when I want to spend time outside but really lovely when I have to stay indoors? I could give you more examples but what I really want to ask is why do things like these always happen to me? Why does it have to be me? WHY?!

(After a pause)

Jim: Ummm...Coincidence?

me: What!

Jim: Or just bad luck I guess.

me: Aaarghhh.

Jim: Oh I know! It's because you're such a big CRY-BABY! You are not the only one who has to go through all those things! Haven't you ever heard anyone else say the same things? Shhhh..It happens!

me: Not as much as it does to me. My life sucks!

Jim: You are impossible! What do I have to do to make you stop crying like this?!

me: Well, are you really asking me or just exclaiming? I would really prefer the former option.

Jim: Oh, so you would. Lets see then, I'll give you one wish and then you have to stop crying when it is granted. Deal?

me: DEAL!

Jim: Go on then, fire away.

me: I wish I could fly.

Jim: What? How would that solve any of your problems?!

me: Who cares about any poblems when you can fly!

Jim: I won't pretend to follow your logic. As you wish. So what kind of wings would you like? Big feathery ones or bat-like?

me: I don't want any wings! Just give me the power to fly. Like Superman.

Jim: Now look here bud! I'm not a geneticist or a mad scientist experimenting with radiation, I'm just a guy with powers to create stuff. I can't alter your DNA, understand?

me: But I don't want wings. People might notice them you know!

Jim: Take it or leave it wise guy.

me: Fine. I'll wish for something else then.

Jim: Hold your horses kid. Who said anything about another wish?

me: What! But you didn't grant me that wish!!

Jim: I would've if you wanted, but you didn't. Offer expired.

me: Not fair!

Jim: But it is. You should've wished for something like "I never want to have a reason to be frustrated again" or "I wish all my problems are solved as and when they arise".
me: Why didn't you say so before!

Jim: You didn't ask.
me: Aaaaaarrghh.

Jim: LOL
me: I don't like you very much you know.

Jim: But I like you too much. No one has ever been a greater source of amusement for me. Hahaha.
me: Yeah yeah. Laugh it up, GOD! Sitting up there making fun of me. You know how hard it is to be human? You have to fight hundreds of emotions just to make a single decision. You are under the microscope 24x7 and everyone wants to know what you are up to. Not only that, they will also tell you what is the right thing to do, the wrong thing, the thing you are doing and the thing they think you would be better off if you were doing.

(Pause. I can see he's not typing anything.)

me: You know how much one has to sacrifice so as to make others happy, so that one can be happy in turn, not always because others are happy but because others are not unhappy? If one does what one truly desires but can't include everyone in that activity, then he/she is termed selfish. Telling the truth never takes anyone anywhere. People only want to listen to things they like, even when they know they are completely fabricated lies drawn out from the depths of baselessness.

(Still he's not typing.)

me: We can care about people we absolutely despise because there was a time when we could not think of despising them. We can even make the most irrational and illogical decisions for people like them, at the most crucial times in our lives. We might be able to fogive, but we can never forget. And when you can't forget, you never really can forgive. It is difficult to recall good memories that become hazy after a while, but it is even more difficult when we can recall the bad ones, complete with even the minutest of details, with ease.

(Is he even there? Or did he disappear like last time?)

Jim: I'm here only. Do you have anything more to add to all that?
me: Yes. Is anything I said, wrong or false or a baseless assumption? If not, then why is it not?

Jim: It's all true. When you ask why, I can only say I wish I knew.
me: I should've known. Why was I even expecting an answer? Wait, I know why! Because I'm HUMAN!! I belong to the race of the smartest dumb people to ever exist in the Universe. We expect things to happen even when we know they are impossible!

Jim: It's not as bad as you make it sound. It really isn't. Look at all the good things in this world. Cheer up.
me: You can call me a pessimist if you want, but I want to ask you about all the bad things in this world and why they are happening. The good things are fine, why not pay attention to the bad stuff and do something about it, eh?

Jim: There is no clear distinction between good and bad, that's why. One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter. If there was a distinction, I might've been able to do something, but there's not. Hence, I'm as helpless as you.
me: Great! Superb! Even God is putting up his hands to surrender to the deeds of the mighty humans. We rule! And we suck at the same time! Brilliant, isn't it?

Jim: Sarcasm is really the worst thing I created.
me: Compared to humanity, I'm sure it is.

Jim: Enough already. You know, I think the problem is that people are not ready to face problems. They want a way out. No matter what it might be, if there is a will, there is a way out.
me: Hehe. I suppose you're right.

Jim: No seriously. If people take care of their problems themselves, then they won't become anyone else's problems, which is what causes problems in the first place.
me: Hmmm.

Jim: And you all could do a lot better with a lot less people around. This place is crowded!
me: Well, that problem can't be helped. Unless....

Jim: What?
me: Unless, you can arrange for another planet, located nearby which we could inhabit. You know, like Mars and all.

Jim: Hahaha. Spoken like a true engineer. If the problem can't be solved, make it even bigger! Actually, I have been working on it and according to my calculations you should be able to see the news channels flashing "Life on Mars found" within a few years.
me: Really?

Jim. Yup. I realised the hopelessness of the situation you people are going to create a long time ago, so I started working on it then and there. The red colour is really coming along nicely, don't you think?
me: Okayy. Why not sooner? I mean why not tomorrow so we can get started as soon as possible.

Jim: You people aren't ready yet. You don't even have the technology to sustain survival there as yet. It'll happen when it's supposed to, don't you worry. Besides, I can only show you the door, you have to enter it.
me: I see you've taken a liking to The Matrix.

Jim: Hehe. Yeah. I forget you are not as dumb as you look. LOL
me: Very funny. By the way, is it possible that we're living in the Matrix too?

Jim: How would I know? It's so real! LOL
me: Guess it isn't. Otherwise I would've been talking to an agent, instead of you. Hahaha.

Jim: Enought with the silly jokes. Now I have to go. They're showing Reloaded on HBO.
me: Will I see you again? I mean, be able to talk to you.

Jim: I can't say for sure. Depends on a lot of things. Take care.

I was about to type goodbye but the window vanished. Oh well, time to get back to Heroes.

Conversations With God

I'm sitting on my desk with my books infront of me because I have a big test tomorrow. The only problem is I'm not studying. I'm doing everything except studying. I just can't help it. I know I should study and if I don't, I'll regret my actions later, but nothing in my microscopic brain budges and urges me to study. It just keeps wandering to far away places and events, dreaming, fantasising......I try and bring myself back to the books but I just can't do it. Finally I give up pretending to try, I look up at the ceiling and shout "WHY ME?! What do you want with me? What did I do??"

"Nothing in particular", came the reply. Reply???!!! Great! Now I can hear voices in my head. Just what the doctor ordered, Schizophrenia! That'll make things more bearable.

"It's me you fool! I'm not a voice in your head, technically I am right now but I'm not just in your head, that's just how I like to communicate with mortals."

!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT!! This is really getting out of hand, maybe I should slap myself or pinch or.....
"If you insist, but I think it's not going to help that much."

"Uh...ummm...can you hear me? Is it really YOU?", I can't believe I just said that out loud in an empty room, I feel so stupid.
"Hahaha, it's OK, happens every time. Yes it's really me! I'm God."

Gulp. OK. Calm down. This can't be happening.
"But it is, how can you deny it."

Oh damn! He can hear my thoughts. Oh shit did I just say damn! Did I just say shit!!
"Relax man, it's OK. I know this shit can be really hard to digest at first, but you'll get there. Just chill."

"Ummm...Mr. God Sir...is it really you? I mean you said you were and I totally believe you are...but...I just can't believe it."
"Well it is me", he said, "you're just going to have to take my word for it."

"Yes sir. Am I not supposed to see some sort of light somewhere? You know...."
"Ohh the light. I knew I forgot something. Right. Close your eyes and you'll see it."

So I closed my eyes and there it was. I don't know how to describe it, it was just a light in the distance with darkness all around it. "Woooww."
"Yeah I know I know, let's get on with it. What is your malfunction?"

I was taken aback for a moment. My malfunction? What does he mean by my malfunction?
"You know the incessant cribbing and sulking and complaining. It's a tough world buddy. Be a man."

Damn he did it again. This is irritating. "Ummm Sir, should I talk out loud or do you prefer reading all my thoughts instead?"
"Wise guy eh? Whichever way you find more convenient, I don't mind either."

"Sir I'd prefer to talk and I'll just put my phone on my ear so that I don't look stupid if anyone comes around, not that they will in the middle of the night but just in case. And I would also prefer you to not listen to my...."
"HOW DARE YOU!! I can do whatever I want! You can't tell me what to do!!"

GULP. "I'm sorry Sir. Of course you can listen to my thoughts. What a stupid idea! I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to........."
"Hahahahahaha. Gotcha!" Still laughing, "Relax I was just messing with you. OK I won't hear your thoughts. Happy?"

I'm blushing with embarrassment. Is he still listening? How can I be sure?
"Well....what are you waiting for?"

He's not listening to my thoughts anymore. Whew! Thank God! Thank God!! That's ironic. "Nothing nothing. So Mr. God Sir, what brings you here? I mean how come you're talking to me?"

"Call me Jim. Who came up with the name God? Anyway, like I said what is your malfunction? What's with all the complaining?"
"Ummm...I don't know....J-J-Jim...I'm not too happy with the way things are going right now."

"So what's that got to do with me? Why do you keep shouting at me?"
"I never shouted at you! I mean..I didn't mean to SHOUT at you, it just came out that way. And what do you mean what has it got to do with you? Hasn't everything got something...err everything to do with you?"

"No it hasn't. Who in the world gave you that idea?!"
"It's what everyone says. You are the Almighty, the All-knowing, All-seeing etc etc. Our lives are in your hands. You control everything. You are GOD!"

"Thank you thank you. I know. Well it's true, somewhat. You're on the right track with that, but not quite. You see, I may be all that you said right now, but surely you don't believe I can control everything! That is preposterous! Do you have any idea how many people there are in this world? This little blue-green planet of yours is so full of people, I sometimes can't even take out time to look at the others! You know how difficult it is!!"
"What others?! You mean there are more???"

"Uhh ahem! No there aren't any more! What kind of a foolish question is that?! I meant the....ummm....animals...yeah animals...and plants too. They're living too you know."
"Yeah I guess. So you're saying that you don't control everything and everyone?"

"Yes I don't. I can't do all that alone. It's one hell of a job for one man to handle by himself."
One MAN, that's rich. "So? Aren't there others to help you out? I mean....you know...your relatives or children maybe?"

"Sadly I'm the only one up here. It would've been nice to have some company but that's the way things are", He sighed.
"Huh? So you mean all the stories about there being many Gods and Goddesses are just made up??"

"Yup. Every single one of them. I like some of them though. That one about Jesus having a wife and kids was hilarious! Dan was it? Funny guy. Made a lot of money out of it too. Good for him."
"Ohkay. So you're the only one? Then what's with all these religions and stuff? Why did you even bother?"

"That, my friend, was a mistake I made long ago. I thought it would be fun to see the men's imagination run wild and create different avatars of me and worship them. Don't get me wrong here. I didn't WANT them to worship me, they just did. They feared that I might get angry and do things with the weather and cause destruction in other unique ways. It would've been so much fun! Just imagine fireballs raining from clear skies...."
"What!"

"Oh...sorry. I get carried away sometimes. I didn't do any such thing of course. That thing with the dinosaurs was an accident. What I was saying is that I let those men think for themselves and create my so-called alter egos. It was nice at first, but it got really messy later. Ohh well..."
"You're damn right it got messy Jim! Can't you just undo it all?"

"I wish I could. How I wish I could. You see time is a very sensitive matter. I can't just go back and undo it. If I'd foreseen it earlier, I might have been able to do something but it's too late now. I'm sorry. Enough with the world. Let's talk about you now, after all that's what I came here for."
"Yeah I suppose. I don't know how to put it to you, but sometimes I feel you've made a special project out of me. You know, like you're holding the magnifying glass and I'm the ant."

"Hell no! I haven't done any such thing. But now that you've mentioned it, I could take up some people for that sort of a thing. Let's see now, there's this Bush character and that Osama fellow and......"
"So if you're not doing stuff to me then why is nothing going right for me?"

"I believe it's a little something you like to call Luck. Also, there's always the Karma angle. You don't work hard enough to reap the benefits."
"What! I've been doing engineering in this God-forsaken college...I'm sorry..I mean in this pot for the past four years! You think it's easy?!"

"You've been passing your exams haven't you?"
"Well yeah."

"I rest my case. Next problem?"
"OK. Why the rotten luck then may I ask? Don't give me the Karma thing again."

"OK. Luck is supposed to be balanced through a person's life. If you're having rotten luck right now, then you're in for some serius Jackpots later!"
"Really? You mean that?", I said, my spirits rising a little.

"Of course I do...NOT! Hahaha. Gotcha again! Sucker!!"
Grrrr. "This is not funny."

"It sure is. Look at yourself! Don't blame me for all your problems. You created them, you sort them out. I can't help you with those. Noone can. I can't do anything for anyone for that matter. Everyone's on their own. I can just advise people and show them the right path. They have to do the work."
"And just how do you that?"

"Ever heard of a thing called the Conscience? Well, that's me, sort of. I programmed it into your brains a long time ago. Too bad it doesn't work with everyone."
"Oh." What should I ask now? He put everything on me. Damn it.

"Anything else? I haven't got all day you know."
"Uh yeah. Of course. So any advice you'd like to give me right now?"

"Well you can start by picking up that Advanced Instrumentation book on your desk and studying it. That should help."
"Besides that. I mean, as in generally, life-wise."

"That is like asking me to solve the Rubik's cube in one move."
"Well, can't you?"

"I suppose I could, haven't really tried. But that doesn't mean I can give you advice for life just like that. How will you learn then? Don't make that 'but I don't want to learn' face. It's the only way. Anyway you haven't done enough to earn the right for taking the shortcut."
"The shortcut? Wait, this is one of your jokes again."

"Well done lad! Although I was rather looking forward to laughing again. Ah well, you got the point. That's what matters. No shortcuts and that's it. I'm running out of time here. Five more minutes maybe. Let's get this over with."
"OK. Thanks for the advice. I'll look into it. Now I'd like to ask you some serious questions. First, what's with all this communalism and terrorism?"

"Oopsi. Time's up. Gotta go. Ciao!"
"Hey wait! Wait! Jim come back here! Jim...", I felt something shaking me. Then I could hear a voice calling out my name, it sounded like my mom. It grew louder and louder.

"Wake UP!", she was shaking me by the shoulders.
"Huh? Whaa...What happened?"

"You're late. I thought you had an exam today. Don't you have to go to college?"
"Oh shit! What time is it?"

"Get up and look for yourself", she said. "Must've watched a movie till late night, you were talking in your sleep."
"What!"

"Yeah, some guy called Jim. Now get up and get dressed. Breakfast on the table in five minutes."

One Wild Night!

This is again a few days late but I have a lot on my hands so it doesn't really matter.

It's Friday and we have this Orientation event for the first years. It's called Inchoation which means begin to develop. The whole Lingua Franca team worked day and night for this event. It was very heartening to see everone so enthusiastic and upbeat and willing to work, a welcome change indeed. We had been planning it for a month and the time had finally come. Preparations were in full swing, the publicity was very good and the response for the auditions was well beyond expectations. It was a simple event, looking for the smartest people in first year. Man the crowd in our college is improving by leaps and bounds! The event was scheduled for 4.30 pm and we were still making preparations when the first bomb struck.

There was a Blood Donation Camp going on in the college and it was being held in the Seminar Hall(a big room with ACs that hardly work, not big enough for even 200 people) which was the venue for our event. We had known about this problem and had arranged for the Camp to close a good hour before we started ours. But there was so much enthusiasm among the students to donate blood that at one point of time it was said that it would be extended till 6!! It was like a big bump on the head. Rupali and I(the Prez and VP respectively) ran around looking for the people incharge and pleaded our case. The teacher incharge of the camp was making a moral issue out of it("you want to stop something like this for that?!") and asked us to shift the venue or postpone the entire event!! Bloody hell we won't! We've been working our ass off for the past one month for THIS?! No way! We waited for the queue of eager donors to shorten a bit and when there did not seem to be anyone else around for donating blood we asked them to pack up. It was 3.30 and we had an hour left.

The hall was a big mess and required cleaning and shifting of a lot of stuff. Time was running out so all the guys in the team became porters and started putting stuff out and getting the chairs inside. It took a lot of time, but the hall was almost ready by 4.30. Then came the second shock. I came back to the hall after tidying myself up and was greeted by a semi-filled room of people who were there by mistake it seemed. We had expected a packed house but it didn't happen. Anways the show must go on and so it did. I had to improvise a presentation about the club and I forgot half my lines and ended it hastily. Never mind, the point I wanted to make did go through I guess. The quality of the event made up for the lack of everything else. I'll say it again, the newbies are really good this time. It was very entertaining and there was this cool and casual atmosphere like everyone knew everyone else. It was like one big party. Wonderful event, would've been even better if there were a little more people to applaud.

We packed up and stepped outside and it started raining! Beautiful weather and a fitting opportunity to celebrate the rewards of hard work. Apart from some really boring people who would not step out in the rain, everyone was getting wet and having a good time. The only thing missing was some music to make it a rain-dance party. We waited impatiently for someone to find some source of music loud enough to dance to but it wasn't to be. I ran to my car, jumped in and rushed it out of the parking lot, opened the rear-door and pumped up the volume of my music system. Just as it began, Rupali realised it was not the proper thing to do inside the college premisis at night time. I hate it when she's right! The rain gathered force and it started raining cats and dogs, so everyone ran for cover, except that foolish woman with the scooty.

Why did God make women so impossible to explain plain simple rational logic to?? It's raining so hard I can't see beyond my windshield and there she is insisting on going home on her scooty instead of a comfortable waterproof ride in my car. It wasn't just my car or me she had a problem with, it was this stubborn itch to take the scooty home. She could have parked it at Garima's place who lives a stone's throw from college or at Sridhar's which is a little further away and parked herself too till the rain stopped. But noooooooo!!!!! After a lot of bickering and useless explaining and convincing, we gave up. Suit yourself!! I turned around my car full of people to drop here and there and was passing by the college gate after dropping Garima when Sridhar extended his hand to stop me in the middle of the road.

"Aastha hurt her foot bad and she's in real pain."

God dammit!! That idiotic woman just won't listen. I got out of my car and made my way to Sri's where Aastha was crying with pain holding her foot. We discussed about what to do and decided I'll take her to the hospital that's close to her place.

Yawwwwwnnnnnn.....I'm so sleepy right now. Will complete this post soon. Stay tuned...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hey I'm back. It's been a rough week with all the work. I ahve to give a presentation tomorrow which I haven't prepared yet and am in no condition to either. Anyways so where was I? Oh yes transferring her to my car.

So I stopped in the middle of the road and could only think of words like #$@*& and ^&^(*@& and *&^%#@ for her. We decided about what to do and I had to bring my car around so that she could sit in mine and I could take her to the hospital. I got into my car and started turning it to the right side when I heard the sickening thud and felt the horrifying bump. A motorcycle had crashed into my car!!! Again the same words were coming to my mind and insides had dropped into a bottomless pit(not my stomach you smartasses, this is serious stuff). NOT THE CAR! Anything but the car!!!!!!!! Dad's going to kill me......Dammit!! But the damage was done. I get out hoping for it to be a minor dent which might go unnoticed, but it wasn't to be. The left rear door looks like a piece of scrap iron attached to a car. And on top of that the guy on the bike is shouting at me!! The nerve!! There isn't enough space between the two cars for a bicycle to pass but Mr. Daredevil here thinks he can do it on a bike on a dark rainy evening! The thing with people on bikes, when you are in a car, is that you can't afford for them to get hurt because no matter whose fault it is, it is your fault ultimately. He was OK and didn't make a fight out of it because he also knew it was his fault.

Anyways returning to more pressing matters. The venue of the transfer was shifted to Shopprix because there was just not enough space to park two cars side by side. It was still raining and it was very dark, the drive to shopprix was long and slow, every bump in the road was hard for Aastha. I realised I didn't have any money on me and as usual the fuel gauge was resting on empty, falling below the reserve level. More than enough to reach home but just in case I borrow some money from Kritika. She only has a Rs.500 note on her so I have no choice but to pocket it.

We finally reached there and now it was the daunting task of getting her into my car. There were loud screams of agony just at the idea of lifting her out of one car and putting her into another. We did manage to do it, half carrying her half making her walk and scream and cry. Sri asked us to keep him updated. Saurabh was incharge of the scooty now. He would take it to Aastha's place and I would drop him to his aunt's later which is near my place. So it was me and Kritika and Miss badly-hurt-screaming-in-pain-I-will-go-by-scooty-only Aastha in my car and Saurabh by our side in the scooty ready to go. He tells us the scooty is out of fuel too and we look daggers at Aastha. "You were going to go home in that?! That thing doesn't even have fuel!" etc. I didn't need to say much because Kritika was just about ready to strangle Aastha but was quite content in shouting at her it seemed. The words idiot, stupid and their Hindi versions were repeated countelss times. So I gave Saurabh the 500 note I had just taken. So he was off to get petrol and said he would meet us there and we were off to the hospital.

It is a curious thing. You always find traffic jams when you are in a hurry but empty roads when you have all the time in the world. It was all smooth until we entered the fray. Instant traffic jam anyone?? Frustrating! Fought my way through it and then breathed for a while on an open road. I tried to cheer Aastha up. I have to hand it to her, she could still manage a chuckle at my poor attempts at jokes inspite of all the pain(some of them were good, the ones about Kritika I guess, will ask Aastha and confirm). It looked like it was going to be all right soon. There was a red light of about two minutes so I switched off the engine. Saves petrol and the environment too. It was at the back of my mind but it had to happen like everything does with me.

10 seconds to green and the car won't start. Great! Just great! And this is when the song by Bon Jovi started playig in my head - One Wild Night!! I'm half laughing half frustrated as I get out to push the car. It just keeps getting better and better.

To be continued still......

Hey people I'm finally thinking about completeing this one. So I get out of the car and apologise to the people stuck behind me and push my car forward and allow them to pass, it turned red by then. There was this bus driver on my left, I asked him to stall until I could push my car out of the way. He obliged. And Kritika is on the wheel(like it wasn't bad enough already)!! So I'm pushing and giving her directions about steering it left and right. I ask some people passing by for help, to push the car while I try and start it. Most people just don't stop walking, some give second glances and move forward. One guy decides to help, finally! I get inside, he pushes, I try, I fail, he goes away, we're still stuck. Then there's a slope but noone to push. I decide to do both. I open the front door, put my right foot outside and try and walk the car to the slope. Can't do it(did you expect me to?..thanks). So I get out and push the car and jump in! By the time I can think about starting I have to brake. Damn it. So I push the car back(think Kritz helped, don't quite remember now). Just when I'm about to repeat a guy shows up and starts giving me instructions on how to do it. (I just realised this could be a very double-meaning passage, with all the pushing and doing it. It's about the car people!) So I ask him to do it instead as I don't have enough experience anyway(start the car you dirty idiot!!). So I push it down the slope and two seconds later, it's ALIVE!! He revs it a few times and I'm all "thank you so much, can we drop you somewhere?" and he says, "no, I have my own car." So I say thanks again and we're off again.

Aastha is giving directions now, for a shortcut or a cleaner route, don't quite remember. I'm flooring the pedal to keep the car alive and we reach shortly after. Aastha's mom and Saurabh are waiting for us. I drive upto emergency and she gets out with much difficulty. They transfer her to the wheelchair and she's wheeled away. I goto the basement parking and rev my car a good 10 seconds before turning it off. What will be, will be. I walk back up, Saurabh is soaking wet but okay but Kritika is shivering. Aastha's being examined and we're waiting. Time to make calls and tell people about what's going on. I call home and explain. Then people call me and I'm telling them the status. Kritika's battery ran out(her phone I mean, SHE has an in-built UPS, can't run out even if she wanted to, un-interrupted anyone?). Then aunty comes over and is joking with us:

Aunty: "I'm sure it's nothing, she's just making a fuss."
We laugh. I'm saying to myself 'I hope so. If it's nothing I'm gonna kill her!'

Aastha goes for an X-ray with aunty bu her side. Kritz is shivering like the phone does in silent mode. I have a spare shirt(God knows why) in my car and it's dry too. So I fetch it and she covers herself up in it. It's like an overcoat on her, so it helps even more! My phone dies on me so I fetch the charger(yes I carry it along), and I'm talking on the phone in the lobby and charging it too. Aunty comes back and says the x-ray will be back soon. We go and see Aastha and she's still in pain. A doctor comes and tells us to go away. More waiting. Kritika's dad comes to pick her up and she's gone.

Then all I remember is the doctor saying it's just a sprain and giving a prescription. Saurabh goes to get it and we're laughing. Just a sprain!! And he comes back and we laugh even harder.

Saurabh: "What an Anti-climax!"
The meds cost just 80 bucks! Oh my God! That stupid woman, and everything that just happened for this! Anti-climax it was. But funny.

We take Aastha home in my car and she's still crying in pain even with the bandage. We have none of it and tell her to climb the stairs. But ofcourse she can't. So me and Saurabh have to lift her all the way up to their place. So we're on either side of her struggling our way up. It would've been easier if the stairs were a little wider, not built for three healthy people to pass side by side at the same time, what a sham! We manage, I have no idea how but were out of breath. Saurabh especially. At first I thought he was just mocking Aastha but he was actually out of breath.

It's cosy inside and aunty makes coffee for us. What a relief. We make fun of Aastha, a lot. Till this day, and if we weren't for a while, now we will start again. I drop Saurabh, who is now wearing the shirt Kritz was using as an overcoat, to his Uncle's place and as always I'm the last person to reach home. I tell the truth at home(for a change), the whole truth and nothing but the truth. It is approved! I have dinner, make a few calls, send some messages and think about writing all this down right here.

But I'm so tired that I just jump into bed, pull up the sheets and sleep to the tune of "ONE WILD NIGHT...................."

Google rules

Just got bored so much that googled "shit happens". And came across this :

Now is that precise or what? (click here to enlarge and enjoy!)

कमीना = Rascal?

Profanities are words that are meant to be used for insulting people, making derogatory remarks and/or hurting their feelings and in turn act as vents of anger and frustration for the person using them.

Speaking profanities/cursing starts at an early age. Children learn these things from many sources – mainly older children. Up to some age it is still considered a bad habit by the children themselves as they are under the watchful eyes of their parents. But gradually it becomes a trend and everyone starts using them and soon become fluent in it. Almost all of the curses involve female relatives, human anatomy(both male and female) and refrences to sexual activities in general, but in the beginning noone knows what they're saying as it's just a trend and it is ‘cool’ to tag along.

But after some rigorous years of training, when every word has a known universal meaning and there are more combinations than you can count, it becomes habitual and is not always used for the purpose in the above mentioned definition. It becomes a common language shared by close friends! Confusing isn’t it? But have you never noticed how your tongue seems to be stuck to a filter while talking to your parents, relatives and teachers or anyone else you don’t want to get into unnecessary trouble with(yes it does happen, especially when you consider the fact that everyone hates teachers and the mind can think of more curses for a teacher than the number of names you find in the yellow pages). Using profanities among friends becomes a sort of bridge which defines your closeness to that person, for e.g. you wouldn’t be as comfortable in calling a friend’s friend a male body part as you would be in calling your friend the same, although all of you share the same knowledge of the language and its usage. Over time the traditional ‘Hello’ and ‘How are you?’ are replaced by ‘Hey you S.O.B.’ and ‘How’s it going a*****e?’ These words are also used as punctuation marks in a sentence, as exclamatory remarks and every other human emotion possible.

One thing I don't understand is why saying the same thing(swearing) in English is considered better than in Hindi? Hindi is considered cheap, whereas English is considered cool. It's not just the swearing, it's general usage of the language. People who can't speak in English properly are considered illiterate and uneducated. I remember I used to get so irritated when a player of the Indian cricket team receiving a Man-of-the-match award spoke fractured English(almost Hindi) when he was interviewed. But it wouldn't be the same if some African player did the same. I would think, it's OK, English is not his native language, atleast he's trying. What the FUCK?! How is it different for us then? Why is it different? Why are we so ashamed of our own culture? There are people who are much more educated(they even have Doctorates!) than most people around them but it's not considered that great because their education is mainly Hindi-medium.

I remember some years ago, the guy who won the title of Mr. India(the modelling thing, not the invisible guy!) was headlining the news. Why? Not because he won the title but for the fact that he didn't speak any English. He gave all his answers in Hindi. Now that's one Cool guy.

P.S. : थिस ट्रांस्लितेरेशन थिंग इस ऑसोम! (This transliteration thing is awesome!)

Matrix Ping Pong

Hilarious and Amazing. One of my all time favourites. There is no way in hell anyone can possibly not like this. It's through-the-roof stuff! Enjoy.

Hahahahaha

I was just checking for any comments or anything when I realised that I had placed Adsense on this blog too. Not that there are lots of things to advertise about on this blog, but what I saw made me roll on the ground laughing.

The ad said "Want to pass exams easy?". Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. O man. Now THAT is funny!! And there are other ads about transformers and all too! Hahahahaha................

Conventional And Computer Aided Design Of Flunking

The following is the step-by-step procedure for the design of flunking in your end semester exams(all the expressions have their usual meanings) :

1. At the start of the semester, find out the toughest subject which is a part of your syllabus.
2. Tell yourself that you will work really hard on this subject.
3. Tell yourself that first you will take care of rest of the subjects and then devote maximum time to this subject.
4. Study all the other subjects only as much as required to pass in the examinations so that you save extra time to devote to this subject which you will otherwise fail.
5. Don't study this subject when you have ample amount of time because it is too damn tough and it is easier to score in other subjects(or that's what you think).
6. Panic as the exams draw closer and finally take up the subject with the determination to conquer it by any means possible.
7. Realize the vastness and the endlessness of the course.
8. Try to do the important topics that might save your ass.
9. If list of important topics too large, give up. Else do the needful.
10. Donot revise what you have done and try to gobble up as much of the course as possible just before the exam.
11. Forget everything during the exam.
12. Hope and pray that you manage to scrape through with whatever information you have provided in your otherwise blank paper.
13. Enjoy as much of the holidays as possible before the result comes.
14. On finding out the obvious after the declaration of the result, regret your actions and sulk and be miserable.
15. Resolve to not let this mishap repeat ever again and to study harder from then on.
16. Start of new semester.
17. Goto step 1.

As clearly mentioned above, it is a non-terminating repeating process which can only be stopped by the application of extremely "Lucky" conditions and the only way to achieve these conditions is to be brave according to the Law of Luck & Bravery which states that "We wait for the luck to smile, it smiles on those who are brave. But those who are brave, never wait for their luck to smile on them."

I'm not brave. I'm an Engineer for god's sake!!

May the Farce be with you

Another exam(power system analysis), another 3 hours of life wasted away in pleasing some old, fat, oily-haired, tobacco chewing, good for nothing teacher somewhere in the remote areas of UP, with the answers written on my answer sheet, hoping against hope that he will find it in his heart to give me atleast 30 measly marks out of a 100. It was an easy paper only if I had remembered all the stuff I had read and thought that it was committed to memory. It turns out that I assume too much.

At one point of time, having nothing to write, I was tempted to write about the amazing light-saber duel between Darth Vader and his son Luke Skywalker, or about how Frodo was burdened with the responsibility of carrying The One Ring. It just might have worked because we've been told that an examiner checks about 50 papers in an hour maybe. Thats like just a minute per paper! So he looks at the handwriting, the way the answer has been written, how long it is and if there are any figures accompanying the answers. The more of these criterions an answer fulfills, the more marks it gets.

So writing about those epic movies would certainly have helped the length of my answers. But I don't think the examiner would have appreciated a figure of Darth Vaders helmet or lightsaber instead of the impedance diagran representing a single line-to-ground fault in a three phase ac system. So I decided to make do with whatever was left in my depleted memory.

I just hope it was enough.