There are parts of me which scream out that I do and there are some which say who the hell are you? I'll be honest here and say that I prefer the latter because the ones that do know me don't like me very much. Can't really blame them, there isn't much to like anyway. Beneath the good, sensitive, compassionate, caring and loving nice guy hides a vile and horrifyingly disgusting monster who is eating away from the inside, biding his time, waiting for something, a sign maybe, or just the right moment to burst out and unleash his wrath. I don't want to be that guy. I know his deepest, darkest secrets and they give me nightmares. Living with that kind of burden inside you, who wouldn't become a monster. I can listen to his thoughts, picture his delusional fantasies in my head, even feel him shaking my bones trying to break free sometimes. I have been tempted on quite a few occasions to let go, give in to the pain and put an end to this living hell by embracing the horror, but I have survived somehow, barely.
It feeds on my anger and hate, sometimes even managing to pull his ugly head through the cracking walls and show a glimpse of what is on its way sooner rather than later. I will regret those moments of weakness for as long as the walls can hold out, there have been some repairs, although not complete, because forgiveness isn't quite the same as forgetting. It's just a matter of time before he starts using these moments to widen the cracks and make me forget to regret. But I don't want to forget, these cracks remind me of who I really am, or was. I just want to be him, want him to be stronger, want him to keep fighting so that I can keep being that guy. I have to help him reinforce the walls, find some way to get rid of the frustration, the hatred, make it less painful to remember, to forgive him. There must be a way to make things better, he must find it before it's too late. So help me God.
Sounds good na? Doesn't make a lot of sense though, but well written none the less wouldn't you say? Had started out with nothing in mind, well maybe intended it to be a bit funny, but my god how things end up sometimes! That's the magic of keeping a flow, it just happens on it's own.
P.S. - For some of my friends, don't worry! I'm perfectly all right, not sad or depressed or on the edge of insanity (maybe a little bit). It just came out this way, wasn't thinking about anything or anyone. Wasn't thinking at all for that matter!
High: This post! :)
Low: The monotony.
Points: 100 points to Nandu for finally posting something, though I have a feeling she did it just for the points :P
-1000 points to whoever is responsible for the power cut. I want to post this on my blog and go to sleep asap! My roomie is going to kill me, or worse leave without me to go to office, if I make him late for his class in the morning.
It feeds on my anger and hate, sometimes even managing to pull his ugly head through the cracking walls and show a glimpse of what is on its way sooner rather than later. I will regret those moments of weakness for as long as the walls can hold out, there have been some repairs, although not complete, because forgiveness isn't quite the same as forgetting. It's just a matter of time before he starts using these moments to widen the cracks and make me forget to regret. But I don't want to forget, these cracks remind me of who I really am, or was. I just want to be him, want him to be stronger, want him to keep fighting so that I can keep being that guy. I have to help him reinforce the walls, find some way to get rid of the frustration, the hatred, make it less painful to remember, to forgive him. There must be a way to make things better, he must find it before it's too late. So help me God.
Sounds good na? Doesn't make a lot of sense though, but well written none the less wouldn't you say? Had started out with nothing in mind, well maybe intended it to be a bit funny, but my god how things end up sometimes! That's the magic of keeping a flow, it just happens on it's own.
P.S. - For some of my friends, don't worry! I'm perfectly all right, not sad or depressed or on the edge of insanity (maybe a little bit). It just came out this way, wasn't thinking about anything or anyone. Wasn't thinking at all for that matter!
High: This post! :)
Low: The monotony.
Points: 100 points to Nandu for finally posting something, though I have a feeling she did it just for the points :P
-1000 points to whoever is responsible for the power cut. I want to post this on my blog and go to sleep asap! My roomie is going to kill me, or worse leave without me to go to office, if I make him late for his class in the morning.
2 comments:
baah :D
nice,I recall you telling me something to this effect some time back,I thought you were just saying it..:P
about the flow? told you..never interrupt my flow again :D
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